Homer: I want to share something with you, the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one: “Cover for me.” Number two: “Oh, good idea, boss.” Number three, “It was like that when I got here.”
Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?
Homer: I believe the children are the future… Unless we stop them now!
Homer: I don’t know, Marge. Trying is the first step towards failure.
Homer: Well, he’s got all the money in the world, but there’s one thing he can’t buy.
Marge: What’s that?
Homer: A dinosaur.
Lisa: I didn’t think you’d understand.
Homer: Hey! Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand!
[Homer’s love letter to Marge where Homer is paralysed and communicates through farting.]
Homer: Dearest Marge, though my body can not move, my heart still beats and my brain still brains. I miss holding you in my arms more than my butt can say. Perhaps some day there will be a cure, although if it requires months of difficult therapy, I’ll pass. You are the shining light that gets me through my darkest hours. For further communication, I will require more beans. I love you.
Homer: I will love you as long as my heart still beats and my brain still brains.
Homer: Son, come here. Of course I’m not mad. If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the garage next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit, and your unicycle, and we’ll go and watch TV.
Bart: What’s on?
Homer: It doesn’t matter.
Homer: Ohhh, why do my actions have consequences?
Moe Szyslak: [After Maya dumps him, Moe is cleaning his empty bar when Homer comes in.] Whatsa matter, Homer?
Homer: Not a thing in the world.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, I wish I could say the same.
Homer: Moe, this is a great thing for you. You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game! Sometime, when you least expect it, you’ll realize that someone loved you. And that means that someone can love you again! And that’ll make you smile.
Lenny Leonard: Things have changed in the outside while you were gone. Wealthy people can beat the system now.
Carl Carlson: They don’t have parking meters anymore. Now there’s a little thing you swipe your credit card into.
Homer: The war is over and the future won. Past never even had a chance, man.
Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer’s Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer’s Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer: If at first you don’t succeed, give up.
Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me … Superman.
Marge: This is the worst thing you’ve ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.
Bart: Dad, what’s a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it’s not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man … (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don’t know.
Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Homer: We kill Mr. Burns! We kill Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns gonna be mad!
Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!