Category: Funny Stories

Caution: This joke is not appropriate for some people.

I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of coins at me. Yes, I know you’ve got more money than me, no need to rub it in.

1. Take a pistol.
2. Point it to your head.
3. Press the trigger.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.

Caution: This joke is not appropriate for some people.

Me: I should give her my seat, she’s pregnant.
Other Me: No one told her to f**k the guy with no car.

Ex: Do you still hate me?
Me: Yup!
Ex: On a scale of 1-10?
Me: If I had a gun with two bullets and was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and you; I would shoot you twice.

At age 18,
you are an idiot.

At age 28,
you are an experienced idiot.

Me: Should I buy this game?

Brain: No.
Cat: No!
Parents: NO!
Universe: NO!!!

Me: Sold.

My goal for 2017 is to
accomplish the goals of 2016
which I should have done in 2015

because
I made a promise in 2014
and planned in 2013.

Son: Dad, why is my cousin named Rose?
Dad: Because your aunty loves roses.
Son: What about me?
Dad: Enough questions, Battlefield 1 Deluxe Edition.
Battlefield 1 Deluxe Edition (Son): …

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